Well I don’t even know where to start…I sit here listening to the Jeremy Camp station on Pandora reflecting on life and what direction I am heading wondering if how I’ve made it this far.  Let me tell you more about myself…Life hasn’t been easy but it definitely could’ve been worse.  My dad became disabled at the age of 30 with 2 bulging discs, a herniated disc, and degenerative disc disease.  My mom had to go from being a stay at home mom to working 3 jobs while I, being the eldest, took on most of the house chores.  At the age of 8 I grew up fast and took on a lot and stayed strong for my younger sister who was too young at that time to fully understand what was going on.  My dad went through a period of great depression because he couldn’t provide for his family anymore and he saw the toll it put on my mom.  I would stay up long nights with him talking him through his depression afraid he may attempt suicide.  He would reassure me that he loved us too much to commit suicide but made it clear that the pain was so bad that if it wasn’t for us he would’ve killed himself. We fought for 6 years trying to get disability and because a judge messed up paperwork 4 years earlier, that’s why it took 6 years to get it.  While people would go in with broken arms and walk out with disability it took us 6 years.  This is why it doesn’t really matter what judges say they make mistakes i know that first hand.  A lot of the time to cover their own ass or the ass of other judges.  Our court system is so messed up its ridiculous..But the story doesn’t end there, after we got disability we moved to a place where i finally had my own room and we spent the next four years there.  My freshman year i was diagnosed with bipolar and depression along with anger issues.  I never had any interest in drugs but i did start to cut myself to release all the confused and angry thoughts i had.  I ended up telling my parents a year later because i wanted help i wanted to get better so they sent me to a psychologist.  She was through the church and we would pray and talk and it helped so much.  I felt the power of Gods love and overcame a lot of my issues without the need of medication.  She said that I had taken on so much at such a young age it took a toll on my mentality along with being bullied all through school.  But those days showed me how much God loved me and how he was always there for me no matter what.  Then i graduated high school and two months later we had a house fire and lost everything..All my high school memories where just gone.  I was working full time and staying up helping my dad categorize everything so we could get our insurance.  I’d stay up all night then work a 7-3 and do it all over again for a month straight.  I had signed up for the army and was leaving in February.  When i got there i ended up being medically discharged and am considered a veteran; not that i deserve it.  I then moved out on my own in July and that turned out horrible.  Two abusive boyfriends and a horrible roommate later I’m in debt and back living with my parents but the one thing good that came out of it was Nathan and I getting back together. Now I am in school and am doing so well.  Still being bullied (not at school) but now i have people who care about me and want to see me succeed so those who are against me i laugh.  I feel bad for them that picking on me is all they can do with their lives; as if bringing me down makes them happy/feel good about themselves.  Well now you know i am way tougher than anyone thinks and it takes a lot more than a few words to get me down anymore.  I’ve learned that I am worth so much more than a couple people with issues within themselves.  I pray for them that they find peace and happiness in their life so they can stop hurting others.  I haven’t been loyal to God completely, I’ve been fighting with being Wiccan for a while going back and forth because some things just don’t make sense to me.  But a dream the other night comforted was like hearing God for myself and he said “You will never know everything but know that I love you.” That comforted me more than anything in my life ever was like he knew exactly what to tell me and how to tell me to make me never question again.  I may never fully understand the bible but i now fully understand God.  God is love and he loves us all no matter what we’ve done no matter how many times we’ve betrayed him he still loves us unconditionally.  I love everyone..I don’t hate anyone, not because Jesus says not to, but because hate only rots your soul while love makes it flourish.  Hate does nothing for just makes you more angry and more upset then you need to be.  Nathan is an amazing example of that and his love for people and forgiveness for those who have hurt him amazes me.  He is an amazing man that i am so lucky to have.  Athena Keener and Jai Bravo I have already said this to you through message but i am publicly saying i apologize for anything in the past that may have hurt you.  I am sorry for hurting you and  know that I don’t hate you, i don’t wish anything bad on you, and you can either accept or not accept my apology that is up to you.  I pray for you and E that she may grow up a strong, independent, Jesus loving, beautiful woman. And that her mother teaches her these qualities which I think you will.  With that I end this long blog.


30 Days

Okay so I know I haven’t been on in a while and I am so sorry! I’ve had a lot going on with family and Nathan and I so I am back! And this there is one topic i will be talking about for probably the next thirty days..i am doing the 30 day ab challange along with giving up soda! I will also be doing yoga and some push ups (and being the workout-a-holic i can be ill probably do a lot more :P) but! the 30 day challenge give me a start to getting to where i want to be!10460365_1435665783377577_9050581255238281924_n so this is the first photo of me and i know its not full body but as i start looking more like i want the pictures will start to reflect it lol. so this is Day one!

10439381_1435801410030681_6931608225284376749_n I even have the challenge as my phones background so I do not have an excuse not to do it! 

After i am done i think ill just keep adding to it 😀 I am super excited to get into shape and finally be completely satisfied with the way i look.  But i know that working out is only the start you also have to eat right so Nathan and I are going to start grocery shopping and i will make dinners and such. So really its all about getting healthy!! Alright i will stop rambling now but i am so excited!

10527256_1435802953363860_2208888281493810329_n last picture but here is Yoga!! i love yoga it always makes me feel so refreshed and stress free! it is so amazing but anyway i am done rambling lol