We Made It

Okay everyone!  So Nathan and I are fully moved into our first apartment together and we could not be more happy! I’ll show you some pics of the place and just we made it.  Through everything that life threw at us, we made it.  Nathan turned to me the other night and told me he was happy.  Happy.  Those words I had not heard him say in a very very long time.  Actually haven’t heard him say he was genuinely happy since we dated back in high-school.  But he said this with a smile on his face and he just held me closer to him and I couldn’t be more enthralled!  He’s been so great and last night he called me wife ❤ This man is amazing and I am way too blessed.  God has given me someone who is going to love me for who I am and enjoy the rest of my life with!  But before I get all mushy gooshy like I tend too, let me show you the pics!

1618448_1552203178390503_4235848798195479053_n Okay so this is a little window by the stair case that is just darling!  So for now I have some stones and crystals setting there but eventually I’d like to get an orchid or some type of flower 😀

10003930_1552622418348579_1063473872418907392_n So some one once told me to enjoy the neatness while you don’t have kids so until I do, I dedicated two cabinets to just looking nice lol.  We do use these dishes but they are washed immediately and put back 😀

10441472_1552597945017693_6586116397772829177_n This is our dinning area in our living room and I think this table just fit so perfectly! I think it’s super cute 😛

10995688_1552543551689799_1204525156898281758_n In our living room is a bookshelf that is also our tv stand (you’ll see this in a later picture) and the center focus is this Bible.  Of all the books we have, the Bible is the most important one and I think it helps represent Nathan and I’s faith.  It was my Great Grandmas Bible given to my Grandfather at her death and is just absolutely beautiful.

11024713_1552599331684221_8601599613614559533_n This is a cabinet just for the beautiful decor cups! The clear ones are the ones Nathans mom got us and the blue and clear ones are the ones my mom gave us 😀

11025814_1551765301767624_8559252498336532283_n These pics show the first day we were there! The soap in the top left corner is some soap that I got from the local soap shop! Living Simply Soap is the best and it’s all made at the shop!! then all of Nathan’s stuff packed and our bathroom.  The lights in the kitchen are rounded so I thought that was cool looking; the salt and pepper shakers; and then finally the back half of our living room facing the stairs 😀

11030857_1552623201681834_1518426435656248502_n This is the rug that I wanted so dearly for our kitchen and man does it make the kitchen look good!

11034176_1552818238328997_3759592263869424503_n Here’s part of the living room including the little dinning area which i think just flows so well!  The Bible right in the center of the book case just, fits so perfectly!

11036266_1551953515082136_7106840191425567562_n Laundry area!  We were so blessed to have so much help furnishing our apartment to really make it feel like home!

11041741_1552599761684178_3965773963886418521_n Here’s the kitchen area.  I wanted to do colorful but not gaudy so I took Nathan’s sister, Sarah, and my dad to make sure I didn’t get too carried away!  (I tend to lol)

11042960_1552819234995564_74102321879733902_n  Here’s a closer look at the bookshelf/tv stand.  The Sing, Dance, Live stones were given to me by my mother and the basket next to the stand holds all of my Bible study stuff and a blanket in case anyone gets cold 😛

11046608_1552627561681398_1485191172859691516_n And finally, this is Nathan and I’s bedroom 😀

The only picture not on here is one of the game room only because we’re not done setting it up yet! Once we are I’ll update it!  Until then thanks for reading!

Divorce and Praise

“I can’t process this. Worst news of my life and I can’t understand. The world as I knew it is no longer there; flipped upside down. I’m expected to grab on and enjoy the ride but life, this is it, I’m no longer fine. You’ve been unfair for far too long and now this? You’ve thrown me to the dogs. But beware of me life, for I will arise and when I come back, I come back with a fight. You’ve beat me and bruised me beyond recognition but this bitch laughs at your confusion. Why haven’t I given up? Why haven’t I stopped? Because, life, your not worth my time. God is my refuge through all the struggle. The things thrown at me out of the blue; Gods prepared me for the truth. The pain hurts right now in this moment. Heck I started out hateful in this poem. But the more I wrote the more I realized that I live for God not for life’s lies. So come at me swinging, give it all you got because I can take it. You’ve beaten me to nothing and Gods molded me into something. I end this saying that nothing is impossible. Even when the end comes, the bottom has been hit, look up! I’ve hit that bottomed tonight it seems, but all I see is blue skies ahead, but a long journey up.”

This is a poem I wrote on FaceBook when i found out that my parents are getting a divorce.  I cant get into too much detail do to the fact that the papers havnt been finalized yet but, this has been the hardest thing ive ever been through.  I’m angry, sad, confused (for reasons i cant explain at the moment), and every other emotion in between.  But one thing that has always been steady is God..no matter how far away i get from him or what im going through, hes always there. Guiding me and leading me down this broken path to his arms and i feel so lucky to know and feel Gods love.  My entire world has just crashed, everything that i knew to be true has just been a fraud..but the only thing that has stood true throughout my entire life is God.  He has never left me no matter how bad things got or how far i wanted to run from him he always watched over me.  I am so incredibly blessed and the people hes brought into my life have just been blessings.  First the McKinney’s are just amazing people.  They are the definition of Christ-like..when i felt like i had no where, no family, it didnt matter what they were going through with Nathan’s case and Sarah’s cancer, they took me in and NEVER asked for anything in return. Just gave me a family and a place to stay and fed me…even through those months that i didnt have a job..they are amazing amazing people who are such an inspiration!  I cannot thank them enough for everything theyve done and continue to do and i cannot thank God enough for putting them in my life.  On top of that Matthew, Rae, and Gr8american from twitter have been amazing! Though i just started talking to Gr8, he is a really great guy.  Matthew and Rae are amazing people who are true friends and whom God put into my life to bring me back to him..had it not been for them i may not of ever made it back to God.  I was so angry and sad that Matthew and Rae snapped me out of that and back to where i needed to be.  So thank you everyone who has just been amazing support and help through these times of need and for just being there to talk.  And thank you God for putting them in my life.

God is so Great!

Alright so I just want to express my deep love for God.  I mean I had been a Christian all the way up till October of last year. That was the first time in my life that i had ever doubted or questioned God and i honestly don’t know why…whether it be the fascination for magical things or just the love for nature part of Wicca i ended up for months struggling with religion; something i had never experienced before.  Some people were very helpful in directing me back to Christ while others damned me and completely discouraged me to go back to Christ.  The devil had finally gotten to me; he doesn’t come as a scary red evil being, he comes in hopes and false truths.  He comes in your biggest dreams but turns them to your worst nightmares.  For months i struggled going back and forth, not able to leave God but not able to fully believe in Christianity.  My mom was so fantastic during this time; finding answers to questions i had and inviting me to church when they were going to discuss questions i had.  She really does have Christ in her and i couldn’t ask for a better, more Christian-like, mother.  She didn’t damn me, or get pissed, she simply lead me back to Christ.  I am stubborn though that has always been my downfall.  I was about to go back to Wicca again in July when Nathans mom told me her incredible encounter with God and why she has so much faith even through all that her family has been through the past 5 years.  Simply put she said i am at peace with my standing with God.  Those words echo through my head. Peace with your standing with God?  I want that.  I want to be firm in my beliefs and i want to know the truth i just don’t know how to get there.  A dream one night, i could feel God say I love you, I always have.  I woke up with comfort and knowledge.  i finally knew what i had to do; bible study.  I am a christian but ive never read the bible in its entirety.  And let me tell you, ive never been more at peace with God, myself, and life.  EVER.  I suffer from depression, anger, and bipolar (along with ADD).  Ive never been at peace before in my life.  Always a struggle internally and externally (bullies).  I fight with myself daily.  Poetry is my outlet and later i do have a poem i would like to post.  But through all that, through all the pain, God has always been there.  He kept me strong for so long.  He put the right people in my life so when i failed in faith, they would bring me back to him because he has a plan.  He has a plan for all of us.  Every single one of you reading this whether you believe or not he has a plan for you.  He does amazing work everyday and sometimes its the simple things.  I had a headache one night and i just bowed my head and prayed.  The headache was gone within minutes.  It seems so simple but it just showed me God is always listening and always attentive to our problems no matter how big or small!

Confusion

For this first post i just wanted to tell you a little about myself…first off this is my first blog so i hope im doing this right lol..i am a vegetarian going vegan slowly but surely…i am with the love of my life Nathan McKinney ❤ and i am somewhere between Christian and Wiccan (still trying to get the two to mix but thats not going so well)  I believe in God and Jesus but i believe in the fundamental values of Wicca and also the way they worship nature and all her glory.  I also believe that stones an many other natural remedies do wonders and believe in the power of magick.  Therefore i am stuck in a hard place..have i mentioned i dont care much for religion?  I have felt the impact of God and Jesus in my life but the bible just doesnt make sense to me..there are so many contradictions and questions that it’s hard to tell what is what.  on top of that its hard to tell if i have faith or if im just fearing hell.  Fearing hell and Faith in God are two different things…I do pray (normally in a circle of candles and positive stones to get negetivity away) but i pray to God and Jesus…i dont feel like im doing anything wrong but i can not call myself a Christian for i do not believe in the bible…also cant really call myself wiccan for i am finding that i dont believe in a God and Goddess but rather God, Jesus, and a Goddess to finish off the trinity (at least the Mormons also believe in a Goddess according to my Mormon friend).  See i kinda mix like three religions into one..making me a Christiccanmon i suppose…I just feel lost but i feel that connection with God (or at least something up above is guiding me towards something).  Anyway any suggestions? or am i just overthinking things?  i would like some advice if anyone has been in my place before 🙂