“I can’t process this. Worst news of my life and I can’t understand. The world as I knew it is no longer there; flipped upside down. I’m expected to grab on and enjoy the ride but life, this is it, I’m no longer fine. You’ve been unfair for far too long and now this? You’ve thrown me to the dogs. But beware of me life, for I will arise and when I come back, I come back with a fight. You’ve beat me and bruised me beyond recognition but this bitch laughs at your confusion. Why haven’t I given up? Why haven’t I stopped? Because, life, your not worth my time. God is my refuge through all the struggle. The things thrown at me out of the blue; Gods prepared me for the truth. The pain hurts right now in this moment. Heck I started out hateful in this poem. But the more I wrote the more I realized that I live for God not for life’s lies. So come at me swinging, give it all you got because I can take it. You’ve beaten me to nothing and Gods molded me into something. I end this saying that nothing is impossible. Even when the end comes, the bottom has been hit, look up! I’ve hit that bottomed tonight it seems, but all I see is blue skies ahead, but a long journey up.”
This is a poem I wrote on FaceBook when i found out that my parents are getting a divorce. I cant get into too much detail do to the fact that the papers havnt been finalized yet but, this has been the hardest thing ive ever been through. I’m angry, sad, confused (for reasons i cant explain at the moment), and every other emotion in between. But one thing that has always been steady is God..no matter how far away i get from him or what im going through, hes always there. Guiding me and leading me down this broken path to his arms and i feel so lucky to know and feel Gods love. My entire world has just crashed, everything that i knew to be true has just been a fraud..but the only thing that has stood true throughout my entire life is God. He has never left me no matter how bad things got or how far i wanted to run from him he always watched over me. I am so incredibly blessed and the people hes brought into my life have just been blessings. First the McKinney’s are just amazing people. They are the definition of Christ-like..when i felt like i had no where, no family, it didnt matter what they were going through with Nathan’s case and Sarah’s cancer, they took me in and NEVER asked for anything in return. Just gave me a family and a place to stay and fed me…even through those months that i didnt have a job..they are amazing amazing people who are such an inspiration! I cannot thank them enough for everything theyve done and continue to do and i cannot thank God enough for putting them in my life. On top of that Matthew, Rae, and Gr8american from twitter have been amazing! Though i just started talking to Gr8, he is a really great guy. Matthew and Rae are amazing people who are true friends and whom God put into my life to bring me back to him..had it not been for them i may not of ever made it back to God. I was so angry and sad that Matthew and Rae snapped me out of that and back to where i needed to be. So thank you everyone who has just been amazing support and help through these times of need and for just being there to talk. And thank you God for putting them in my life.
Alright so I just want to express my deep love for God. I mean I had been a Christian all the way up till October of last year. That was the first time in my life that i had ever doubted or questioned God and i honestly don’t know why…whether it be the fascination for magical things or just the love for nature part of Wicca i ended up for months struggling with religion; something i had never experienced before. Some people were very helpful in directing me back to Christ while others damned me and completely discouraged me to go back to Christ. The devil had finally gotten to me; he doesn’t come as a scary red evil being, he comes in hopes and false truths. He comes in your biggest dreams but turns them to your worst nightmares. For months i struggled going back and forth, not able to leave God but not able to fully believe in Christianity. My mom was so fantastic during this time; finding answers to questions i had and inviting me to church when they were going to discuss questions i had. She really does have Christ in her and i couldn’t ask for a better, more Christian-like, mother. She didn’t damn me, or get pissed, she simply lead me back to Christ. I am stubborn though that has always been my downfall. I was about to go back to Wicca again in July when Nathans mom told me her incredible encounter with God and why she has so much faith even through all that her family has been through the past 5 years. Simply put she said i am at peace with my standing with God. Those words echo through my head. Peace with your standing with God? I want that. I want to be firm in my beliefs and i want to know the truth i just don’t know how to get there. A dream one night, i could feel God say I love you, I always have. I woke up with comfort and knowledge. i finally knew what i had to do; bible study. I am a christian but ive never read the bible in its entirety. And let me tell you, ive never been more at peace with God, myself, and life. EVER. I suffer from depression, anger, and bipolar (along with ADD). Ive never been at peace before in my life. Always a struggle internally and externally (bullies). I fight with myself daily. Poetry is my outlet and later i do have a poem i would like to post. But through all that, through all the pain, God has always been there. He kept me strong for so long. He put the right people in my life so when i failed in faith, they would bring me back to him because he has a plan. He has a plan for all of us. Every single one of you reading this whether you believe or not he has a plan for you. He does amazing work everyday and sometimes its the simple things. I had a headache one night and i just bowed my head and prayed. The headache was gone within minutes. It seems so simple but it just showed me God is always listening and always attentive to our problems no matter how big or small!
So I guess this kinda goes along with the bully one I did but here’s the topic of the day: why hate? Everyone is different, that is what makes us human, so why hate one person just because they are different from you? Different belief, sexual orientation, sexual preference, color, language, etc. Everyone is different and unique in their own way so why do we hate on those who are? I am not saying that I don’t judge people because I do but at the same time I don’t bash them or pick on them for being who they were born to be. I think everyone judges someone every now and than but it’s what we do with those judgmental thoughts that makes us either a bully or not. Now don’t get me wrong, constructive criticism is not the same, that is needed from time to time; I’m talking about people who flat out hate someone just because they believe one thing. For example: Gay haters. Now I myself am not gay but I do not condemn everyone who is. I believe that if you are gay you were born that way; that’s just my belief. I know that there are many out there who are the opposite of that and that is fine, I respect their belief as long as they are not hating. Having your own moral values and standards and opinions is one thing but imposing them on someone who is doing something that is not harming any other life is another. A person being gay does not hurt anyone. Remember God made them, I do not believe God would make someone just so he can damn them to Hell. A lot of people can tell if their child is gay from when they’re a kid! This isn’t just some random “I kissed a girl and I liked it so now I’m gay” scenario; ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnOJgDW0gPI ) This video is exactly what I am trying to say. They are born this way and their is nothing wrong with that, God doesn’t hate them, so who assigned you to judge? Us as a society are pushing these people to commit suicide, Teenagers, kids killing themselves because they are not accepted and often bullied for who they are. That is not right no matter how wrong you think being gay is, bullying someone to suicide is NOT right. When we have kids doing self harm and suicide because they are not accepted and they are being physically and mentally abused, there is something wrong with society, not the ones being bullied. I hate Hate. It is the single most evil thing in this world. Hate is a sin. Love thy neighbor; isn’t that right? We need more neighbor loving and less hate. I could go on forever about this because it really does bother me. Who freaking cares? Like who cares if someone is Gay, Lesbian, Wiccan, Buddhist, Christian, Black, Asian, lives in Europe, Lives in Mexico…who cares? You know what starts wars? Hate. You know what stops them? Love and understanding. I know that there are just bad people out there; some people are just evil but wars are driven by hate. The revolutionary war for example. The British didn’t like that some people decided to try to create a free world so they fought them out of anger and hate. Why couldn’t the settlers make a deal with the Native Americans or vice versa? Why couldn’t they just coexist? All I know is that a lot of things start with hate. Hate is going to be the downfall of humanity.
So Nathan and I are going to church Sunday. I had a couple dreams about God and also about Hell so I’m taking it as a sign that maybe I am going down the wrong path religiously. I figure church is a good place to find what i need answers for 🙂
In other news i am doing very well…Nathan and i had hit a bumpy patch but through talking and working with each other we are stronger than ever! I love him and I know he is the one we just have our differences sometimes and have to learn to talk and communicate better with each other. He’s the only one who makes me feel like i do and who cares…i feel his love for me and i love him even more in return! He truly is an amazing man 🙂 I am still in school for Vet Tech and am doing pretty well there just finishing up some projects this weekend as the semester ends! Still vegetarian and loving it! Still finding myself religiously but feel like i am being guided in the right direction and with the right people in my life! My best friend and photography model is pregnant!! she is going to make a wonderful mother to a baby boy :3 she is my fashion adviser and the best friend anyone could ever want! She is helping me create a new wardrobe so i look more presentable in public lol. I just feel so blessed to have her in my life and to be able to call her friend it really does mean the world to me! Met her while working at Kroger and feel so damn lucky!
Milo and Xander are doing well and Xander just hit 5 months! We found out that Milo is 9 months and was mostlikely born in June which my birthday is in June as well :3 Milo is my little protector and Xander is just curiosity masked with cuteness!
here’s Xander packed up and ready to go to his first Vet visit! Came back completely healthy and ready to be neutered! I had to hold Milo and he was nervous but he did well too! He was completely healthy other than a very mild eye infection in which we got drops for and is doing very well now! here he is being extra cuddly tonight!!
this is my first tattoo idea 😀 for my 22nd bday, which is coming up soon, i want to get my first tattoo and this is the idea! what do you think? music has always helped me get out of dark places and helped me through tough times…it is more apart of me than anything and want to express that somehow and thought this would be perfect! I drew this myself so it’s a little rough but i think in right hands it could become something amazing :3
Okay I think that is all i have to catch up on sorry i havent been on lately just havnt had a computer up and working in a while! but now i have a desk and everything i plan on writing often! Thanks everyone 😀
For this first post i just wanted to tell you a little about myself…first off this is my first blog so i hope im doing this right lol..i am a vegetarian going vegan slowly but surely…i am with the love of my life Nathan McKinney ❤ and i am somewhere between Christian and Wiccan (still trying to get the two to mix but thats not going so well) I believe in God and Jesus but i believe in the fundamental values of Wicca and also the way they worship nature and all her glory. I also believe that stones an many other natural remedies do wonders and believe in the power of magick. Therefore i am stuck in a hard place..have i mentioned i dont care much for religion? I have felt the impact of God and Jesus in my life but the bible just doesnt make sense to me..there are so many contradictions and questions that it’s hard to tell what is what. on top of that its hard to tell if i have faith or if im just fearing hell. Fearing hell and Faith in God are two different things…I do pray (normally in a circle of candles and positive stones to get negetivity away) but i pray to God and Jesus…i dont feel like im doing anything wrong but i can not call myself a Christian for i do not believe in the bible…also cant really call myself wiccan for i am finding that i dont believe in a God and Goddess but rather God, Jesus, and a Goddess to finish off the trinity (at least the Mormons also believe in a Goddess according to my Mormon friend). See i kinda mix like three religions into one..making me a Christiccanmon i suppose…I just feel lost but i feel that connection with God (or at least something up above is guiding me towards something). Anyway any suggestions? or am i just overthinking things? i would like some advice if anyone has been in my place before 🙂